This month has sucked so much. I didn’t want to write this post. But I guess I need to process a bit at a time so here it goes.
I don’t understand why God, the Author, Creator and Sustainer of life, would create life inside me and then not sustain it. I know that He is good. I know that He has a plan. I know and choose to hope that somehow good will come out of this. But I don’t understand it.
My heart aches. My body is still figuring out how it’s supposed to be functioning and what normal is. My head hurts from all the tears that keep pouring. I’m drained – physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. I just wanted my baby.
I lost a dear friend unexpectedly last week. She was there for me through some of the most difficult and wonderful points in my life over the past 8 years. I just can’t believe it. She was the first person I called when I found out I was pregnant in October. She was the only person who called me on the phone when I miscarried earlier this month. She was like a soul sister to me. I can’t believe she’s gone. I just want to talk to her one more time. I want to tell her I love you. So so much.
I’m in a philosophy class and I don’t feel like I can finish the class well. I’ve been late on so many assignments already and I just don’t want to have to think. Or read. But, as is the case with the rest of my life right now, I’m pushing through. I’m doing what I can to get through each day and not give up. But tonight I’m overwhelmed. At this point, if I have to retake the class, I don’t even care. But I still have to keep at it, a little at a time. And that sucks.
So I’ve been picking my battles. I’m trying to read more with Juju, to nap when I need it, and to turn in my assignments even when I know it’s going to impact my grade. I’m choosing not to drink (at one point several years ago I would have chosen that as a preferred method of “de-stressing”). I’m not good at reaching out. I hate being asked how I’m doing, as if anything changes that dramatically from one week to the next. Some days are better than others. Some days (like right now) it just feels like my heart can’t bear it.
I know one day I’ll look back and be ok. But today I’m not ok.
Zach Williams’ songs “Heaven Help Me” and “There Was Jesus” have been playing on repeat almost every day in the past couple of weeks. That’s all I have sometimes. Just Jesus.
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